For the last, say 5 years, I’ve been having a drawn out existential crisis. That sounds a bit dramatic, but I don’t have another word for it. Yesterday I watched Adaptation again and it’s uncanny how much of the opening monologue applies to me. It goes like this:

Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn’t be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There’s something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I’m way overdue. If I stop putting things off I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn’t fat I would be happier. I wouldn’t have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that’s fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more. Improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I’d be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn’t that what women are attracted to? Men don’t have to be attractive. But that’s not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it’s my brain chemistry. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I’ll still be ugly though. Nothing’s going to change that.

There isn’t a bump on my leg and I always go to the dentist on time. My shirts don’t have tails on them and I’d sooner learn Japanese than Chinese (and Spanish and French before Russian, but Russian would be cool). The oboe doesn’t appeal to me much (except that everyone tunes to the oboe), but I have a growing list of instruments I’d like to learn. In some sense I’m a little ahead of the fictional version of Charlie Kaufman because I’ve been shaving my head with a razor for years. And yes, I’ve long wanted to try rock climbing.

Suffice to say, that obviously I’m not the only one that has these moments of doubt and frustration. Knowing that other people deal with it doesn’t do much for my disposition though. There is a quote that sometimes makes me feel a little better:

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different. -Kurt Vonnegut

When I read that I remember that someday we’ll all be dead and gone and what we’ve done here won’t matter that much. Sure, there are people that have made an impact on the world, and in a way we all do, but in a billion years when the Earth is burned to a crisp, who is really going to care? One might make an argument for the afterlife and that all our actions now will determine what happens to us later, but I’ve been doubting that more and more. It’s amazing how at one point in my life I considered a career in ministry and the older I get and more I learn, the more I behave like an atheist. But I digress. The point is I read that quote by Vonnegut and it makes me think that he had it all figured out. I should find something that makes me happy (like a motorcycle) and go with it no matter what the cost (the one I really want is pricey). THEN I start thinking that Kurt Vonnegut is just some guy who wrote some stuff. As much insight as he may have, he’s one of those guys that managed to make a solid living writing. After a few successful books he didn’t have to worry about how to pay the light bill, so it’s that much easier to say that we’re just here to fart around. Some of us have to fight harder for our existence.

Okay, I’m off on one tangent to the other. What I’m trying to get at (after identifying with the Charlie Kaufman monologue) is that I’m not happy. The question then is: What will make me happy? Maybe if I weren’t working third and slept at night and worked during the day like normal people. Maybe if I lived closer to work thus giving me more time to read, improve myself, and learn Russian. Maybe the real question should be: What do I want to do? The answer to that (almost invariably) is: I want to make music, make art, write, and ride a motorcycle. If only I could find a way to make those things happen.

Maybe that’s too much to ask for all at once. I’ve also been thinking about Robert Pirsing’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and the search for Quality. Though it deals with some heavy philosophical stuff (admittedly much of it is over my head or at the very least requires a re-read), what I took from it is that there is a delicate balance between knowing something well and accepting that one can’t know everything well. That’s putting it mildly, but I could probably discuss this book all day. So maybe another question should be: If I had to choose one thing and do it, what would it be? I don’t know if I can answer that.

On an unrelated note, have you heard of this thing called the interrobang? I say we start putting it back to use.

Filed under: General, Three Chord Me by John